Category: Reflection

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Expectant Joy

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Grandmother Linley (Gin)

This year my family awaits the arrival of my youngest niece’s baby boy, due December 28. He will be the firstborn of his generation in this branch of the family. Our Advent season of waiting, wondering, hoping and praying began in the summer when she shared this news and has now taken on the true mystery and magic of this time of year.

Somewhere during this long Advent, I started an overdue project of going through boxes of family photos, which brought joy as well as poignant moments peering at the faces of those lost too soon. Along with photos, I have become the recipient of a small cache of family history in letters, articles and pamphlets allowing me to catch swirling, snow globe glimpses of my origins.

I smile at letters between my grandmother Virginia, known as Gin, and her sisters and brothers, each with their own nifty nickname like Ede, Bunch, Pike and June (a junior). In the summer, while visiting my younger brother, we strike a deal–I will get the painting by our great aunt of our father at 20 (we think) who our nephew strongly resembles, with a promise to send my brother portraits of my grandparents in exchange.

The strong cheekbones and curly hair of my oldest niece look out at me in a young photo of my other grandmother who got short shrift in my self-absorbed youth. I make a silent wish that I could talk to her now and an apology that I didn’t do so more when I had the chance. Not too many days later a packet arrives from my uncle that includes an old photo of me with her and one of a great grandfather I had never seen.

I realize they have all been clustering forward this year, reminding me they are still here, even very near, and always have been. Perhaps on the other side they are throwing a going away party for the soul about to join us, sharing wisdom for the journey, sad to see him go, yet filled with joy at the promise of his life. What past will he carry? What future? How will we nurture his awesome light and honor his courage to come? We wait with love in expectant joy.

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Incarnation

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Blades crack, sinews pull, a pinion forces a tear creating space for the next, and the next, and all that come after. Torso drops forward to support the transformation. The invisible unfolding is swift. Arching upright, wings expand to full. The familiar weight rests easy, feels good, is a comfortable carry.

These are not strap-on, costume feathers for fun or show. They go entirely unnoticed, moving easily through busy streets, fitting comfortably on crowded subways and planes, in tiny elevators and hospital rooms with humming machines, blinking lights, ambient exterior noise, blurring days. There is nowhere they don’t or won’t go.

They enter cavernous silences bringing offerings of what is needed–a gentle touch, an unexpected smile, a compassionate heart, unconditional love made easy. They bring the hands and hearts that treat the sick, that help those stuck in the snow, that pamper with haircuts and massages, tend and comfort the children, feed the hungry, adore the animals. Their ears patiently listen; their hearts make soft landing for vented anger and fill the cup with laughter on days that teeter on the edge of sorrow. It takes but a sliver of grace inserted in a gaping ache.

So effortless and unconscious the alteration, sometimes you forget who you are, that you joyfully made the promise when you signed the covenant to come. Yes, there are the troubled days in between, transformation stunted or thwarted, leaving in your wake misfired mercy and smoky, ruffled plumes. But for the most you bring the peace, hoist the courage, set things right for at least one in some significant way. You are the guardian and incarnation of the angel you shelter.

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Optics: Weed or Flower?

I came across a patch of Queen Anne’s lace in the woods about a month ago. Queen Anne’s lace, also known as wild carrot, is a plant I’ve loved since I was small, when I was told it was a weed and not the lovely flower I saw. I still find it odd that a weed is named for a queen’s delicate lace, it’s tiny dark red center poetically representing a drop of blood from her needle-pricked finger. Apparently, it also bears a close resemblance to the poisonous hemlock, and one is cautioned to be careful if planning to eat it. This is not a weed. It’s a short story on a stem. What makes a weed and what a flower? Who decides?

Presumably a weed grows where it shouldn’t. This doesn’t necessarily make it a bad thing. In fact, so-called weeds often serve a positive purpose. In the case of Queen Anne’s lace, when it’s native to the area, it attracts wasps and sometimes butterflies and can boost tomato production. But in the wrong area, it’s considered noxious and a pest.

There is much that seems dualistic or is revealed to be something other than it is. “Optics” has become a buzzword. Optics are used to influence how we will interpret or view the facts and seem to play as important a role as the facts. And while we’d like to think we are immune to that influence, the truth is we are all sensitive to appearances or our perception of things.  We do make judgments and decisions based on optics. Is a panel of women asking the questions or a panel of men? Is the panel multiracial or one race? Young or old or mixed? We create entire stories based on images. We also know that optics often don’t tell the whole story, that they can be a fiction.

The best we can do at any given moment is see past the fiction to the truth, knowing the truth can sometimes be a matter of perception. When we find out the flower is a weed, we always have the option to recalibrate. Can I still love a weed? Not always. Sometimes? Absolutely. Because in the end, we’re all like Queen Anne’s lace.

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Forgiving August

Burning white hot days, electric thunderous skies, oppressive smothering humidity, claustrophobic preternaturally cool interiors; it’s August again. It was August when you left. The cells of my body, the cells you created, they forever carry your parting, forever try to connect between the veils. Is August nicer there? Is it calmer? Is it cooler?

Tahlequah pushes her dead newborn calf for weeks and miles in the sea, her raw mourning on display, teaching us about grief and loss and complicity and neglect, breaking and expanding hearts all over the world. She brings me to my knees with her pain, with my human shame. So much to atone. In August, mother and calf let go, she begins the road to healing, her pain subsumed, not forgotten.

He went to the mountains. She went to the ocean. They went halfway around the world. Me, I’m running from you in place, August, dripping with salty sweat, evaporating suffocating thoughts with the business of breathing. I keep moving through you, trying to get past you. A heavy, blush pink hydrangea overflows onto the sidewalk, blocking the path, grazing my cheek with a dewy cuff, or is it a kiss? My fingers reach up to feel where you touched me.

August, oh August, we are locked in an eternal heated tango, stomping and twisting, twirling and teasing in a dizzying, exhilarating and enervating dance to nowhere. Aren’t you tired? I throw down my castanets to you my nemesis, my soulmate, my mentor, my match.

Come on, then. Let’s put on our bright colors and straw hats, escape now to our very own luncheon of the boating party, sip on a cool, crisp white, have a laugh with some friends, the still river floating by us on a warm, breezy afternoon. I like this side of you, dear August, and I forgive you all.

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Lady of the Lake

Last month when I took my first trip to Lake Tahoe with my brothers, all sorts of imagery played out in my mind in advance of our arrival. I didn’t expect to see the Arthurian Lady of the Lake, but she certainly featured in my imaginings. It’s a little late in the game for me to get my Excalibur. On the other hand, dreams are not only for the young, nor are they for the faint of heart. Who knew what Tahoe would offer? I felt the anticipation and excitement one might feel on the way to meet a guru or high priestess. How could I show my reverence? Was I setting her up to fail with my high hopes?

Saluted by Sugar Pines, Jeffrey Pines, Aspens and White Firs and ringed by the protective peaks of the Sierra Nevada, Tahoe’s startlingly blue waters have an impressive 72-mile circumference. When we got there, my younger brother turned to me and asked, “Well, is it everything you imagined?” Eyes filling behind my shades and too overwhelmed to form a sentence, I could only nod and half-whisper, “Yes.”

We drove around the lake, stopping at several spots, including the Emerald Bay, a striking pool of green water in an otherwise endless oasis of blue. There, I learned Lake Tahoe is known for her healing powers.

Down by the waterside, I looked to my older brother, “Could you get one of those pine cones over there and dip it in the water and bless me?” Without so much as a crooked smile or sarcastic remark, the former acolyte quietly walked over and picked up a large pine cone, dipped it in the water and sprinkled me with elixir from the lake.

It’s not Excalibur that rises from Tahoe; it’s a reflection of spirit writ larger and deeper than Arthurian tales. The eyes literally cannot take in all the beauty. The soul takes over, rising within and expanding to meet its own reflection. The lady does not disappoint, offering a glory-filled chalice to carry forth on the journey and an open-ended invitation for a refill any time.
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Gabriel’s Horn

The trumpet notes drift to her in sleep, a melody she’s never heard, stupefying in its beauty, a solo played just for her. She pictures the lone trumpeter in the street leaning against a lamp post, an Edward Hopper figure half in shadow fingering the valves, blowing soaring notes. Is it a love song? A keening? Exultation to something higher? More mesmerizing and seductive than she imagines the song of the sirens, like Odysseus she wants to follow it, but is rendered motionless, tied to the mast of her bed.

When unwanted silence returns, she rouses herself and hurries to the window sure to catch the thin time trumpeter, but there are only parked cars in the street, a family of raccoons tripping her neighbor’s outdoor sensor, a streetlight at the corner lighting a stray cat on the prowl. She returns to bed to catch a few more restful hours before dawn.

The flap of wings is like the loud snap of a sheet on a crisp sunny morn, a whoosh of air, wings beating so close she ducks and cowers from what she cannot see, trying in vain to control the rapid flailing of her caged heart. Fearful of disturbing the source about her head, she lies down, submissive. It hovers and finally rests above her crown where it abolishes fear, holds her weary spirit, healing it for another go, imparting peace and impossible joy before it is gone quick as it came, before she has a chance to ask her questions, to say her thanks. A dream within a dream.

Only a glass of wine with dinner, she’s sure. Her head says dream. Her heart knows better. Who can she tell? What would she say in the telling? She did not awake from the nighttime visitations with any message to share, only indescribable majesty, succor in the nick of time, divinity delivered in a way she can digest, endlessly nourishing. A longing quenched, a new one in its place.

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Reminders

You forgot to spritz yourself with your good-natured Kumbaya spray before you left home yesterday, and you were a bit short with someone you care about and respect. You are fretting about this and several other things, the same things day in and day out, only the particulars altering. Other people you know are carrying so much, too much. You worry for them. Why aren’t you carrying more? We’re all a loose stitch away from coming apart at the seams.

You head to work, late as usual, rounding the corner you see the school bus arriving. Slowing, you see a mom and her young son waiting on their porch holding hands, he shining the widest smile you ever saw, hopping from leg to leg, giddy to get on the bus and start his day. Mom hugs her boy. You have just become today’s lucky recipient of a drive-by jolt of joy. Let it wash through you, let it be a touchstone.

A friend and you are emailing each other about this, that, the other and whatnot. She sends you a one-liner that makes you laugh out loud. Suddenly you are right there with her. You see her ready smile, hear her voice, the way she goes from earnestness to levity and back again in flow. Her name is Gift.

On a windy night standing beneath the skylight in your place, the one that you often take for granted, you are awed by the incredible display of blowing branches on a magnificent tree, a priceless, original work of art, irreplicable. Whisper, I will try to be worthy.

Swimming. Kick, kick, kick, breath to the left, kick, kick, kick, breath again to the left. Wrong. Lessons would make you more efficient… is it too late? Awkward technique aside, shapeshifting feels good in the cleansing water, the lengths, the laps, the rhythm, the exertion, the community of others in the pool, the solace of your lane. Off to the deep end, goggles flipped up, body leaning back to rest, floating, cradled by Grace. Baptism and renewal each time.

The thread does break, the stuffing will spill out, the mending of the seam may take time, if it’s ever done at all. The reminders always come to shift the focus, if only for a moment. It’s all precious.

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Easter Monday Surrender

Sitting at home on Easter Monday listening to the morning snow melting in rhythmic drum taps on the bathroom skylight, I look out at the tree branches gallantly holding another thick blanket, regal and elegant in spite of the weight. Steamed heat in the old radiators blends hisses and bangs with the dripping beat in an unexpected improv percussion jam. A train whistles a trumpet glide announcing a journey, joining in the riff of the moment.

My mind wanders to an earlier conversation with a young person in my life seeking her path, feeling stuck, a bit confused. I wish I had wisdom, but I can only offer love, the promise of a book in the mail that maybe will help, some gentle questions and suggestions, the faith that I am here. I am always here.

I think, too, of a flaming email that arrived on Easter causing sadness over the state of a relationship, a person and his pain, the knowledge that age is not necessarily a shield from our very human emotions. I wish I could erase the pain, that I could clear the bramble and thorns that are choking new growth, that I could bring the thaw. But with every step of our path lately, I see more cloudiness and perhaps a permanent fork in the road. Retreat seems the only way to peace.

I’m invited upstairs for espresso with warm milk and a delicious homemade cookie I don’t need, Easter abundance still straining the waistband of my slacks. Easy conversation roams from our latest dreams and goals to the behavior of our cats. When I get back downstairs the jam session has faded, the cats are curled into C-shapes, content, peaceful.

The snow has slowed its steady fall and through the covered trees I can make out the river beneath the cliff, catching and carrying the melting snow. Sometimes the weather changes with little or no warning. There is grace in gravity, in standing still, relief in letting go, melting like the snow and entering the flow, surrendering what I cannot control.

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Welcome to My Worlds

This is an old post resurrected in honor of Stephen Hawking who I am sure is still out there soaring somewhere.

In 2016 when PBS aired Stephen Hawking’s Genius series, I caught an episode that featured parallel universes and the scientific community’s increasing belief in them. Falling into a black hole, one might find a way out through a portal to another universe. What that means practically speaking, I am not sure, but my mind keeps turning over the wondrous possibility. In a world where violence continues to reach depressing new peaks of disbelief, where our leaders cannot seem to do the right thing, the idea of other worlds where we our are better selves holds appeal.

It may seem impossible to consider living other lives simultaneously in multiple universes, particularly when you think of how complex your life already is. On any given day, you bring several versions of your life to the table. While sitting in a meeting, you might also be thinking about your bills or retirement.  How will you pay for your kids’ college education?  You may be worried about your health or the health and welfare of someone close to you. Maybe you feel you are falling short of your life goals. Will this meeting never end?

At lunch with a friend, you might be half-listening while planning a celebration in your head or pondering your next week off. Will you go out of town or stay local?  What’s for dinner tonight? Do you need to stop at the store on the way home? What did she just say? Is your spouse happy? Really? With an effort, you pull yourself back to the present until your mind wanders off again to one of your other worlds.

It’s nearly incomprehensible to think we might be holding just as much in parallel universes! And yet, you have to admit, if it’s true, there’s something magnificent, beautiful and divine in that design—a kaleidoscope of lives within a kaleidoscope of lives—different depths, shapes and colors. Do our actions here have a ripple effect that is even greater than we realize?

As scientists and physicists discover and explain more, the circles between what we know and what we imagine continue to overlap and grow, expanding the subset of the two. You can almost hear the echo of your heartbeat in the middle of it.

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Red Herrings

A good mystery keeps you guessing up until the end, or at the very least, leaves you satisfied when you figure out who done it before it’s revealed. It does this by throwing out red herrings, clues that are intended to be misleading or distracting. Typically, several prime suspects are involved. Seemingly innocent people connected to the crime or murder by association with the victim become prime suspects by having no alibi or witness and by unexpected behaviors–the local priest having an affair, the quiet elder shopkeeper who has a dark, secret past. That doesn’t necessarily make them guilty, but it does make them intriguing and persons of interest. Shadow sides are brought to the fore in mysteries.

We all have them. Regardless of the level of self-awareness with which we’ve lived or tried to live our lives, we can still be caught off-guard by our shadows. A trigger, a mood or too much stress–all can cause us to behave in ways that surprise or disappoint us. In fact, we can become like red herrings, confusing not only people around us but also ourselves!

What ensues when the shadow is triggered is not always a pleasant play of shadow and light. Depending on the situation and the depth of emotion attached to it, it can take days to put the shadow to rest. For most of us, this is a delicate dance, whether we’re wrestling with our own shadow or have been caught in the crossfire of someone else’s or both. Examining the darker side can be like solving a mystery.

If we lived in a world that was made up only of light or of darkness, we would never see one another, much less our own reflections. Complete light is blinding, as is total darkness. Forgiveness is of necessity wrapped up in examining our shadows, as is tenderness. Love, especially of self, is what allows us to stay with the mystery, to let go of the red herrings and focus on the light in the mirror.